i’m here to tell you “life doesn’t always get better”!



currently, i am dealing with receiving no payment of Unemployment Insurance benefits since June because my previous employer incorrectly submitted my paperwork showing i was laid off. my bills are currently due with no money to pay them. i cannot start a job because a prospective employer does not have a copy of my 25 year old HIGH SCHOOL diploma and the school system can’t find my records. the job is working temporary for the company that i was laid off from. i worked for them for 10 years and NOW they need my HIGH SCHOOL diploma?! WTF! i deal with ADHD and Bipolar on a daily basis with some days being debilitating. i need to spend $60 monthly on medication and more on doctor’s visits, which i cannot afford due to no income.

now, i want some condescending asshole to come flying through here with their mouthful of platitudes telling me how things are going to get better and there are people out there doing worse than me.

so FUCKING WHAT! that’s like me being grateful that i just got shot in the stomach and didn’t get shot in the head like Joe Blow who lives down the street from me!

i say all of this to say, i am thankful for the thoughts and well wishes when they are constructive and meaningful. i do not want to hear it just because my situation makes YOU feel uncomfortable!



True or False? The Top 10 Myths About Bipolar Disorder




Expert Patient John McManamy gives you the real story.

By John McManamy

Like many mental illnesses, the commentary surrounding bipolar disorder is saturated with myths--it's hard to tell what's true and what's not. Below you'll find the real story, from our Expert Patient John McManamy.

1. Everyone has their ups and downs, so mine aren’t that serious.

Yes, everyone has good days and bad days, but when these ups and downs seriously interfere with your ability to work, relate to others and function effectively, it is advisable to seek out a psychiatrist.

2. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder.

Half true. Bipolar disorder certainly affects mood, but it also affects cognition and the ability to perform mental tasks. Some days we can out-think Stephen Hawking. Other days we make Forrest Gump look like an intellectual.

3. Yes, but bipolar disorder is still a mood disorder.

Granted, but for most of us it is also part of a package deal that may include anxiety, substance and alcohol abuse and sleep disorders. Also, researchers are finding smoking guns linking the illness to heart disease, migraines and other physical ailments.

4. Bipolar disorder is characterized by mood swings ranging from severely depressed to wildly manic.

Not necessarily. Most people with bipolar disorder are depressed far more often than they are manic. Often, the manias are so subtle that they are overlooked by both patient and psychiatrist, resulting in misdiagnosis. People with bipolar disorder can also enter long periods of remission.

5. Mania is like being on top of the world—if you could only put it in a bottle and sell it.

You wouldn’t want to with most manias. True, some forms of mild mania are characterized by feelings of elation, but other types have road rage features built in. More severe mania turns up the heat, resulting in different kinds of out-of-control behavior that can ruin your career, relationships and reputation.

6. Bipolar disorder is caused by a chemical imbalance of the brain.

This is the simpler explanation—what you tell your family and friends. What you need to know is our genes, biology and life experience make us extremely sensitive to stress. Various stressors, such as personal relationships and financial worries, have the potential to trigger a mood episode if not effectively nipped in the bud.

7. Medications are all you need to combat bipolar disorder.

False. While medications are the foundation of treatment for bipolar disorder, recovery is problematic without a good lifestyle regimen (diet, exercise and sleep), effective coping skills and a support network. People with bipolar disorder also benefit from various forms of talking therapy and religious/spiritual practice.

8. Medications don’t work for me.

For some people this may be true, but we all need to give our meds a chance. Treatment guidelines anticipate initial failures, and while no two guidelines are in agreement they are all based on the premise that eventually you will find a medication or combination of medications that will help you.

9. Lower quality of life and sluggish cognition are fair trade-offs for reducing mood symptoms.

False, big time. In the initial phase of treatment, meds overkill may be justified to bring your illness under control. But full recovery is based on improving your overall health and ability to function, not just eliminating mood symptoms. Over time, the side effects of medication tend to go away, so patience is advised. You may choose to live with minor side effects such as mild hand tremors. But if major side effects persist, you should work with your psychiatrist in adjusting doses or switching to different meds. The onus is on you to alert your psychiatrist to major side effects and to insist he or she take appropriate action.

10. Once you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, you can forget about leading a normal life.

False. Living with bipolar disorder is a challenge, and you may have to change your expectations, but you should never give up on living a rewarding and productive life.

why does busting my ass to find a job make me feel so fucked up?!



as i sit here thinking about the state of employment or rather unemployment, that question came to mind. it is a question that crosses my mind more and more frequently.

currently i am unemployed and have been so for the past 15 months. i have not been without a job since i was a teenager. i am not alone. many of my older colleagues are experiencing this also, for the first time in their lives. i was in the Unemployment Office, recently, and there was an 80 year old man trying to get benefits after being laid off. i thought to myself, “DAMN! i would hate to be 80 going through this bullshit!”

employers know they can basically write their own tickets in this current market and they have been showing their asses every chance they get.(too many examples to list) we who are currently unemployed and who have been with their jobs for 15, 20, 25+ years are now paying for the arrogance and unprofessional practices of the youngsters that came after us. some of the “old guard” at larger corporations are remembering the frustrations they felt in dealing with the fresh out of college assholes with chips on their shoulders who were not afraid to show it. they knew there was another job opening right down the street or that they could move back in with mommy and daddy while they did some “soul searching”.

it is not like others and myself aren’t looking for jobs. it is not hard to apply for jobs at all. in the time it took me to write this, i could have added another 20 completed applications on-line that will be ignored and not answered. let’s not even think about trying to use a headhunter in this economy. no one who’s unemployed can afford that. i have applied for positions that were a significant cut in pay from what i was making. only to be told, i was not going to be hired because i would not be happy working for those wages and i would stay in the position just long enough until something better came along. **blank stare** i wanted to tell them at that point, “look you assholes! i have bills that need to be paid NOW! i am not thinking of using your company as though it was a $2.00 hooker!” it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation when looking for a job, if you had a high salary and apply for jobs at a lower wage. the jobs in my salary range already have 30+ applicants applying for it before i even apply. i still apply in the hopes it is not another position posted due to the company’s internal and external applicant requirements or a position that will be swallowed up by nepotism or cronyism.

i will stop here with my thoughts on this subject. this post is actually longer than i had planned. i wanted to put something down to refer to when it’s years down the line and i have been working with an employer for a number of years and think about the bullshit that was my recession.


Jesus Is My Son



Christina Aguilera - Not Myself Tonight


Manual on How to Molest Children Is Legal, Cops Say


abc_molestation_manual1_100905_mn(picture links to original article)

This is an image from video of a child

molestation manual found by cops.

A 170-page manual explaining step by step how to molest children which police in Orange County, Fla., believe has been circulating there for months, is not illegal. Investigators have stated that they still want to know where it came from.

"I've never seen anything like it. It was pretty amazing when I first saw it just because how detailed it was," Orange County Sheriff's Office Det. Philip Graves told ABC News Orlando, Fla., affiliate WFTV.

The manual, which was apparently written by someone who calls himself "the mule," is a how-to of child molestation, even explaining where and how to find potential victims, the station reported.

"I was more amazed that someone would be as bold as to create an actual 170-page document that would detail how to do it," he said.

Among the many disturbing topics covered in the book is how to convince a victimized child not to tell his or her parents.

"People who are engaged in the exploitation of children are talking about these things, and how to avoid law enforcement," Seminole County Sheriff's Office Sgt. Dan Purcell told TV station WESH-TV in Orlando.

Deputies with the sheriff's sexual offender surveillance squad have been aware of the manual for the past six months, Graves told WFTV.

The sheriff's office received it through an e-mail listserve, he said.

"We personally haven't worked a case on it, but it has been located within our region," Graves said.

Graves told WFTV that it is not a crime in Orange County to send the manual by e-mail or to possess it, but local and federal investigators are trying to track down where the manual initially came from.

Deputies believe whoever is responsible may have committed crimes against children.

Random Thoughts 09/01/2010



today is 09/01/2010 and the time is 10:15 pm.  at this moment in time, i have decided to try harder to shape my destiny. it’s not to say that i haven’t been trying hard to shape it, i am saying that it will be putting more effort in to it. i want so much more for this beginning chapter of the next phase of my life. i am remembering that i am not 18 years old. i am 42 years old and a large chunk of my youth has come and gone. i can’t get that back. i do get to keep the knowledge and accomplishments of those years to help guide me.

this was really just a random thought. i needed something to write to keep my mind occupied until the Benadryl kicked in and i passed out.

thank you for reading.


Previous Notes

Related Posts with Thumbnails