Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.
After reading A Handy Guide to All Gay Men by Brian Moylan over at Gawker, what stood out to me (obviously) was that I don't know many Black men like this. Any one of these archetypes can apply to my Black gay brethren, but by and large, in my experience, they do not. So some mischievous friends and I decided to compose a more colorful equivalent to Moylan's classifications. Your education begins now.
The Skinny Bitch
This strain of Black gay is typically very young (green) but quickly rises in popularity in his newfound social circle because of his youth, pliability and quick mastery of shade. His goal is to accrue as many enemies as possible since he's convinced that having enough people that despise him means he's doing something right. He will spend an entire months salary on designer sunglasses because he considers them social currency.
Activities: Walking, throwing shade, wearing eyeliner, being penetrated, hogging the camera, starting arguments with strangers, making YouTube videos, going to the mall.
Diva of Choice: Beyonce or Rihanna (there is no in-between)
Top or Bottom: Bottom.
The Homo Thug
The Homo Thugs days are numbered since this is a group that usually patterns itself after trends in Hip-Hop, and the thug image is slowly fading. However, this image is still a selling point in gay porn and a popular refuge for closeted men. He usually has archaic notions about Black male sexuality and equates thug with masculinity. He is disrespectful, self-hating, and needs to pull his pants up.
Activities: Hiding, lying, saying I don't do that gay shit, smoking weed, being ignorant, having kids, having a limited vocabulary, not returning calls, breaking hearts.
Diva of Choice: Lil Wayne
Top or Bottom: Outdoor Top/Indoor Bottom
The Big Boy
These teddy bears are sweet, loving, warm and always horny. The lines between a good meal and good sex are often so blurred that any conversation involving meat will simply have to be taken in stride. He is way more confident than you think he has a right to be, always has a date (because he looks healthy), he's funny, and will give you anything in the world as long as you are consistently fucking his brains out.
Activities: Calling skinny bitches skinny bitches, cooking, hugging, making inappropriate double entendres, grabbing.
Diva of Choice: Jennifer Hudson
Top or Bottom: Bottom.
The Muscle Queen
They roll in packs and only date each other. You never see them during the winter months because they are in the gym 24/7. Come summer, he's wearing the smallest tank-top or the tightest t-shirt. Don't bother lusting after him, because you do not exist in his world.
Activities: Making fun of fat people, lifting weights, talking about lifting weights, accusing skinny people of being sick, dating white guys, bumping into people, being penetrated.
Diva of Choice: Creatine.
Top or Bottom: Power Bottom.
The Church Queen
In spite of the Black church's reputation for homophobia and intolerance, you will find that a number of Black gay men make the church the cornerstone of their social interaction, perhaps out of a sense of familial or religious obligation, or simply because the choir is so fierce. The Church Queen is usually loyal and loving, but is prone to Tourette-like outbursts of Jee-suss!! in any given situation. He listens to gospel music constantly and considers Loretta Divine his spirit animal.
Activities: Cooking, talking loud, clutching his pearls, singing, being called mother, being single, speaking with a southern twang even though he's from the midwest or the northeast.
Diva of Choice: Karen Clark Sheard
Top or Bottom: Sanctified Bottom.
The Uppity Snob
He is educated, has a six-figure salary, a nice car and a big house, but nothing is good enough for him. He will throw dinner parties with his Coven Of The Articulate and they will all wear hard-soled shoes regardless of the season, time of day or theme. When he's among other types of gays, he will roll his eyes, sneer, or attempt to oppress them intellectually. In spite of all his accomplishments, hell never be happy, cant take a joke and never laughs. He can usually be found in the club wearing a blazer and sipping a cocktail against the wall.
Activities: Debating, sighing, having a small penis, having furniture delivered, going to the spa, being offended, finding excuses to use any word that requires a schwa.
Diva of Choice: Whitney Houston
Top or Bottom: Bottom.
He doesn't like the gay scene because he finds it too mainstream. You can find him a coffee shop with his Mac Book Pro listening to underground Soul or Hip-Hop, writing poetry and waiting for someone with whom he can debate the oppression of goats and librarians. He often accuses people of not getting him and reactively dislikes anything that everyone else likes. He’s basically The Uppity Snob but with dreadlocks.
Activities: Poetry slams, debating, having his locks re-twisted, blogging, shopping at outdoor markets, calling himself a photographer, quoting Marcus Garvey, dating white men.
Diva of Choice: Some bitch you never heard of.
Top or Bottom: Top for white guys, otherwise bottom.
The Old Queen
The Old Queen has seen everything and done everyone. He thinks you're frivolous and that you stole everything from his generation. He will say things like in my day, the men were men and remember when House music was House music? He is short of patience and doesn't want to hear your whining.
Activities: Knowing everything. Remembering everything.
Diva of Choice: Stephanie Mills, Teena Marie, Chaka Khan or Luther Vandross.
Top or Bottom: Like it even matters.
Condometricis a condom aimed to measure penis’ length. A condom with the “ruler”, a great idea!
“Condometric is the first prophylactic that measures and shows off the penis’ length. Condometric helps us flaunt what we’ve got. It’s about believing we can handle whatever we wish to take on, regardless of size.”
Everyone has been there. You get a willing young lady in the shower with you only to have one of you fall and hurt yourself. And you know what that means. It means that your fun time is over. Because God forbid it is her that gets hurt and you think she may as well finish what she started. You can guess how well that goes over. These Shower Power suction cups will give you something to hold onto so that no one gets hurt. They won’t, however, make that activity last any more than 3 minutes.