how i am feeling…..

depressed 

CLINICAL DEPRESSION

–noun

Psychiatry . a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected.

i read that definition and the part that stuck out to me is “considered abnormal”. i thought to myself, “how is something i have dealt with for years on a normal basis considered abnormal”?  there are so many sides to depression. there is no easy or clinical way to describe it. my doctors over the years have expressed their frustration, to my face, with dealing with me and my issues. i do not blame them. if i had to deal with someone like me, on a medical basis, i would be frustrated also. LOL

how am i feeling right now? i am mentally tired. i am physically exhausted. i cannot keep a thought in my head for more than a minute and a half. it hurts physically to type this due to the aches and pains i am dealing with. people do not know that depression can be just as physical as it is mental. i am thankful that i can deal with the aches and pains and keep it moving. i know some who waddle in endless despair. they are suicidal and feel like life is not worth living. i think because i am so silly and goofy, it keeps me from going to that point. every time doctors ask me if i want to hurt myself, i tell them that i don’t have an outfit for that. they end up giving me a blank stare and leave it alone. LOL

i want to write more but it has taken me almost 2 hours just to write this much. i am trying to make myself go to sleep. there is a tightness in my head and at the nape of my neck that will not go away. my thoughts are on a rollercoaster switching from one subject to the next nonstop. all i can say is GOOD TIMES!

on that note, it is good night and i hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! i hope to talk to you soon. take care of yourself.

ps- if this sounds incoherent, that’s because it is! LOL

2 comments: (+add yours?)

Anonymous said...

now you know, despite my fb comment, i luhs you to deaf...and understand as much as i can. this is a very difficult thing to deal with and can only hope it gets better. one minute at a time...and don't go buyin no outfits for that.

Xirus said...

thank you my sweetness for the comment. you know i know that we have nothing but love for each other. it's all good! i hope to talk to you when i am feeling better.

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XIRUS

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