in a winter's mood there's a cold smell of dust

in a scented room, there's a hot smell of musk

do i, do you, do i know what you gonna do?

can i, can you, can i make it seem untrue?

there's sweat upon his head, there was something in that bed

as he slowly walks away, he's leaving him for dead

and there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help

in a silent room, there's a heart full of doom

in a silent world, there's hearts without room

do i, do you, do i know what it's going through?

can i, can you, can i make it all untrue?

there's sweat upon his head, there was something in that bed

as we slowly walk away, we're leaving him for dead

and there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help

there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help
there's a small cry for help

help, help me
help, help me
help, help me
oh you got to help
oh you got to help
got to help
got to help
wont you help me
oh you got to help
oh you got to help
got to help
got to help
wont you help me

I need your help with XIRUS!!!!!



i need your help on something. i currently have 2 sites. one of my sites is XIRUS.com. that is the site that i use to post my blogs to and to connect my other sites to. it is my communication hub.

i have another site, it is www.xirus.net. this site is currently nothing but a parked web page. that means the page is waiting to be used. it currently has no function. which comes to my question.

if you had a personalized web name, what type of site would you build? would it be a business site? would it be a personal site? would it be a combination of both? or would it be a site you would dedicate to a cause or pet?

i am eventually going to build a brand around the name XIRUS. this is why i made sure to purchase both xirus.com and xirus.net. right now, i just do not know how to proceed. i was hoping for some insight from my contacts and friends. you all are a valuable resource with very good opinions. please let me know what ideas you have. i am thanking you in advance for any help you can give me.



Hot Mess Barbie


from twitpic (Click here for original post)


im the fucking barbie where the fuck is ken ken ken

Comment from post:

rwdyrddypipeher on November 29, 2009 stated

title of this pic : precious goes to prom!

i genuinely HATE the holidays. hurry up New Years!



every year, i await the expedient end of the holidays. i cannot stand this time of the year. it is meaningless to me. notice, i said “to me”. i know there are some die hard holiday season fans. anyway, what bothers me about this time of the year is the fakeness and the irresponsibility on the part of many people. this time of the year has people trying to outdo each other in the who can have the biggest thanksgiving or christmas feast departments, who can get the most relatives to conjugate at their house, who can put up the most extravagant decorations and who can buy the biggest and greatest amount of toys and gadgets.

on the irresponsibility front, you have people who pull up to the table to stuff 5000+ calories in their system at 1 sitting, only to start bitching about it in January when they “magically” can’t fit into that pair of skinny jeans. LOOK! your big ass couldn’t fit in them before the holidays, so what makes you think they will fit after eating enough to feed a small orphanage? also, people are irresponsible in their spending. what in  hell would make a person max out their credit cards on unnecessary gifts that people could have done without? what makes people go and take out pay-day loans because they spent their money on christmas presents for relatives they really don’t talk to. no one wants to hear all of the whining when the buyer’s remorse sets in! it is annoying to have to tell a person to shut the fuck up when they start running off at the mouth about how much money they spent, when 2 months before they were asking could they borrow some money to pay the gas bill.

anyway, the count down is on. there are 32 days until New Years’ Eve. that is also called the End of Foolishness Day. i cannot wait. so for all of the fake and irresponsible folks, you only have 32 more days to show your fake and irresponsible asses.


monte on March 15, 1968 (2 days old)



this is a bit nostalgic for me. this is my paternal grandmother, Essie Lee and me at 2 days old. this was also the date of my father’s birthday, so i am sure there was some type of celebration going on. this picture is 41 years old. it was sent to me by my stepmother. i finally got a chance to scan it into a computer. i was surprised that she had this. my grandmother gave it to her. my mother and father never knew this picture existed.

sometimes i wish that i could go back to this time and start everything over. overall, i am glad that i can't. i have made many mistakes and i have done lots of things right. i would not want to change any of the experiences that have made me the person i am today.

i look at this picture and think, "this is the last time i was ever innocent!" LOL


i am doing things backwards this morning…..


sweet dreams 

normally i am bitching about waking up at 3:30 AM each morning. i am trying something different this morning. i am going to bed at 3:30 AM or as soon as i finish this. i want to see how this little experiment works out. i am a little tired, so i will make sure it is pitch black and i will be using the ear plugs for total quiet. i haven’t eaten anything, so there is no caffeine, chocolate or anything else in my system to keep me wired. i am keeping this short and sweet before my mind winds back up and goes into overdrive. so, on that note, i bid one and all adieu.


why does WalMart try and piss you off every chance they get?


walmart dude
i happened to be out and i needed to pick up groceries and other items. what better place to go than the Super WalMart? they have everything there.
since it was Sunday morning, i tried to get in and out before the church folk arrived. it seems like a big bus let folks out at the front door and they come in packs just to walk around WalMart. what happened to after church brunch at a buffet or at one of the other parishioners' houses? i was a little slow with my shopping so i was hit by the crowd. i was not too happy about this. church folk were every where. they didn't even have baskets or carts, they were just walking around. i felt like i was walking around a maze. i had to go out of one aisle and all the way down another just to get to the end of that aisle. this was irritant #1.
a lot of the dairy items had expired expiration dates. my ADHD has me checking the expiration dates of everything that i buy. this includes items in cans and jars. WalMart keeps their prices cheaper by buying foods that are closer to their expiration dates, than some other stores, to sell to us. always make sure you check your expiration dates. also, there were food items that were sold there 2 weeks ago, that were no longer there. i hate when WalMart does this. they go through and snatch items off of their shelves without warning. they have behind the scenes surveys and if certain items are not marked favorably, they are removed from the shelves. i wonder who the hell they talk to, to come up with the decisions. i know they didn't talk to me or anyone like me. this was irritant #2.
now we are my favorite irritant of the day.
i am at the checkout line and the 1st thing i tell the woman to do is double bag all of my groceries. she tells the cashier next to her, "did you hear that he wanted everything double bagged and we have a bag shortage?" she let's out a nervous laugh and the other cashier just gave her a blank stare. i just laughed and kept putting my things on the counter. she said they were short of bags and she couldn't double bag my groceries. i then said, "your management's incompetence is not my problem. i request that each of these bags be doubled before i leave today." at this time, i made sure EVERYTHING that was in my cart was on the counter. this was in case i had to prove a point in a few minutes. she continued to ring my items up and i saw that she had them single bagged. i smiled at her and said, "sweetheart, i have no problem, whatsoever, watching you ring all of those items up and walking out the front door. the choice is yours." her ass started double bagging everything that i had. i smiled and gave her a big "THANK YOU!" she could tell i was being sarcastic and condescending. i thought this woman's eyes were going to roll out of her head before i left out of there.
the other customers were complaining because they didn't get their items doubled bagged. i laughed at them for not pushing the issue. if WalMart didn't use bags that broke if you looked at them too hard, i wouldn't have had a problem.
oh well! i am just glad that i didn't have to reenact the problems of Kennett, MO here in Louisville, KY. It was all good!, for me any way. LOL

20 years ago today on Thanksgiving, I became a widower.



[Note: I do not expect anyone to read this because of it’s length. This is just a story to mark the events on the day that my wife died. I do thank you if you do read it. There is no editing. It is written as I remember it.]

20 years ago today, November 23, 1989, it was Thanksgiving Day. i was living in Salinas, California. i was in the military stationed at Fort Ord, California and i was happily married. i was young and life was good. i had no complaints in the world. i had a military job that was comfortable and afforded me a lot of privileges. i lived off post in a big spacious townhouse. i had a beautiful wife that loved me and made me feel like a whole person. she was my wife, lover, best friend and soon to be mother.

in the 20 years since her passing, i have never written about that date. i guess the reason that i never wrote about it, is due to only being able to put it down on paper and that would do nothing but sit in a box with my other mementos and memories from over the years. with the gaining popularity and accessibility of the internet, now is the perfect time to put to electronic paper what happened that changed my life forever.

the day started off like any other day in California. the sun was high and shiny brightly. there was not a cloud in the sky. the only complaint was it was a little breezy, but that was to be expected at that time of year. it was fall after all. overall, the day was perfect. i was happy about this because my wife and i had a Thanksgiving cookout scheduled for later in the day. we were have a lot of her friends, my friends and mutual friends come over to the house. i was beyond excited. we loved throwing parties. we spent the majority of the day going to party outlet stores buying alcohol, ice, food, party favors. we had a lot of this junk but we were getting low and didn't want to run out of anything mid party.

it was almost time for the party. i was on the patio grilling hamburgers, hot dogs, brats and talking shit with my buddies that showed up early so they could get a fair amount of drinking in before everyone else got there. they were more fun that way. LOL my wife was in the kitchen putting wine coolers in a big cooler. the ladies really loved wine coolers back then. i have to admit, i used to grab one and drink it like it was bottled water when i was thirsty. bottle water really would have sold quite well back then. anyway, the food was finally done and all of the drinks were stocked. there was nothing that you could want that we did not have. there were all types of liquors if you wanted it. i was and still am a rum and coke with a twist of lime guy. i love my rum and cokes. for some reason, it seemed like the majority of our guests showed up at the same time. we stated that the cookout would start at around 6 PM but everyone showed up about 7 PM. i guess they were operating on some daylight savings time scheme that we didn't know about. {smile}

the party was going along well and everyone was having a great time. everyone was drinking. we were all talking shit and someone said, "let's do karaoke!" this was one of my wife and my favorite activities. we used to practice singing when we were at home alone. we used to laugh at ourselves and call ourselves nerds for doing it. one of our favorite songs to perform was Make It Last Forever by Keith Sweat. we would always get applause after that one. performing that song always gave us the big heads. we actually thought we could sing. LOL we performed the song and received standing applause. it was an overwhelming and surreal experience. i did not know at the time, that would be the last time we would sing together.

it is now 11 PM and everyone is still having a good time. it was surprising that no one had left yet. i guess i say that now, looking back at it, but i guess no one left because most of us were military and where else were we to go? we did not have families to go visit. we were all that we had at that time of year. it makes sense now that i look back on it.

Here is where my life changes forever:

as i mentioned in the beginning, my wife was soon to be a mother. she was pregnant with our first child. i was going to be a new father and i was always messing with her to make sure she was alright. she would always tell me, playfully, that she was the one having the baby and could have things herself. me being the old fashioned man that i am, was still going to be fussing over things like i was expert in having babies, even though i wasn't. she became tired of my fussing, so she playfully swung at me, like she was boxing, and missed. i swung at her and missed. she swung again and i leaned into it. she hit me so hard that her wedding ring cut deep into my face. it cut me down to the bone. i had blood all over my clothes. she started apologizing and said that she wanted to take me to the hospital. i told her that i was going to put some alcohol on it and bandage it up and i would be good as new. she was not having any of that. her best friend was there, so she drove us to the military hospital on base. i was little agitated at this point because i was missing the ending of a great party.

i am sitting around the emergency room and i am finally called into this room. they clean up my wound and perform a full x-ray of my head. after a little wait, i was told that i had a concussion and that the scar from the laceration would most likely be with me for the rest of my life. well, the scar is still here. i look at it every day. i was asked a lot of questions and it was determined the concussion did not impact any of my functioning. i was told that i could go home.

i go to the waiting room where my wife and her best friend were waiting on me. my wife starts to complain about her left arm hurting. since she is pregnant, i want her to get this checked out right away. if it was her right arm, i would have thought it was just from punching me. i told her that i would go home and change out of the bloody clothes while she was getting the check up. i leave her and her best friend at the hospital. i didn't think this would be the last time that i saw her alive.

i rush home and change clothes and rush back to the hospital. i look around the waiting room looking for her best friend and she was no where to be found. i thought that was strange but didn't put too much thought into it. i went to the intake nurse and told her that i was there to pick up Sherry Montgomery, she was there having a check up done. the nurse tells me there is no Sherry Montgomery there receiving a check up. i told her that i just left her there 35 to 45 minutes ago and how could she not be there. i told her i was there when they started the check in procedure. at this time, i started getting really agitated and started raising my voice. she stated she was going to call the MP over if i did not lower my voice. at this point, i did not care who she called over. i told her i wanted her to find out what they did with my wife. she started looking at her records and had this nervous look on her face. i started getting louder and shouting "what's wrong?!" she stated she will have the attending physician talk to me. i sat there for what seems to be an eternity waiting for him to show up. he asked, "may i ask your relationship to Sherry Montgomery?" i informed him that i am her husband. he stated, " at 0400 this morning, Sherry Montgomery was pronounced deceased due to heart failure." (i think this is accurate. i wasn't in the right frame of mind while this was happening.) i started screaming and cussing at the doctor telling him that i had only been gone at 45 minutes at the most and how could this happen?! i had to be restrained by the MP to a gurney and given something to make me relax and stop wilding out. i was told the baby died because he was not developed enough to survive outside the womb. for the next 2 weeks, i did not want to move. i did not want to eat. i did not want to talk to anyone. i did not want to leave my house. i was put on leave by the military. my wife's best friend called and said that she missed me at the hospital and stopped by the house and i wasn't there. she said she waited around for me to show up and when i didn't, she went home. that info was left on the answering machine. we didn't have cell phones and pagers like we do now. there was much miscommunication.

this story could go longer but i am stopping here. the rest of the story deals with me leaving the military, the speculation that the military gave her drugs, during her check up that she was allergic to, that may have caused the cardiac arrest, her family trying to sue the military, her funeral and me leaving California for good. one day when i feel like revisiting this, i will put the rest of the story all down on electronic paper.


Black Lagoon ending


Black Lagoon anime



Link to Black Lagoon Episode 1-English Dubbed

Okajima Rokuro is a Japanese businessman in a town full of Japanese businessmen. His normal day consists of social drinking with clients and being kicked around by his bosses. He finally gets a break though, as he's sent by his company to the tropical seas of Eastern China to deliver a disc. But his boat gets hijacked by a band of mercenaries hired to retrieve the disc. Rock (as he is newly dubbed by his captors) catches the interest of the only female merc Revy as she thinks he's worth a ransom, taking him hostage. However, the disc that was stolen has a terrible secret that's unknown to Rock, which causes massive confusion and chaos for both him and his kidnappers.

i have been sitting here watching a very interesting anime named Black Lagoon. it is a very gritty and raw look at the life of mercenaries, murderers, mafia and other various low lifes. it is all shown and told in anime (japanese animation). what makes this mini-series a treat is the main character is voiced by Brad Swaile who is the voice actor in the very popular anime Death Note. this is definitely something you have to sit down and watch when you have time to look at some action and be surprised at the images and dialog on your screen. there is a lot of action, violence, cussing, and name calling. check it out sometime.


My mind is in a mood vacuum. Why?



i am trying to figure out why my mood is a blank. i am in a state where i am not happy, sad or indifferent. you may ask, “then what is there?” i am experiencing a mood vacuum. that is when any mood that i start to feel is sucked up in an area of nothingness. earlier, i was beginning to feel happy and i began to mentally “blank out”. a little while after that, i started to feel sad because of no significant feeling one way or the other. the feeling of sadness was also sucked out into nothingness. now i sit here, not feeling anything. i wish it was just a feeling of indifference but it is not that. i wonder if others feel this way from time to time.

the best thing for me to do is lie down. i will go to sleep and try to reset. sometimes that helps. i want to go out and run errands but i feel a tinge of agitation in the back of my neck. i guess the agitation is being brought about by the confused state i am in.

well, i am about to go and press my RESET switch. hopefully it will not take until tomorrow to reset. i would hate for this entire Saturday to be wasted.


Hi! On behalf of my daddy….



i wanted to leave a message from my daddy to all of his friends, that he says Hello! it is that 3:30 time again and he is bouncing around here to that damn house music! i will be glad when he wears down so i can go back to sleep. my wild-out time is not until 4:30 and i need my rest. i am only 4. i ain’t old like him. so, if you talk to him later on, tell him i said, “cut that shit out with all that running around in circles at 3:30 every morning!”

thank you!

Jackson paw_print

7 Myths About Bipolar Disorder


7MABP1 1. People with Bipolar Disorder Alternate Between Extreme Depression or Mania

Truth: Most people with bipolar disorder feel depressed much more often than they feel energetic ("manic"), according to experts at Harvard Medical School. In fact, many people with bipolar disorder may go years without a manic episode, or go into long periods of remission, making diagnosis tricky. People who have experienced only mania and haven’t yet had a depressive episode may also be diagnosed with bipolar disorder. To complicate matters further, the depressive and manic aspects can overlap; people may feel restless and energetic while simultaneously feeling sad.


7MABP2 2. Bipolar Disorder Is Rare

Truth: About 2.6 percent of the U.S. population, or almost six million American adults, are affected by bipolar disorder, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).


7MABP3 3. Manic Episodes Are Happy and Highly Productive

Truth: Although people tend to think that manic periods “balance” depressive periods and are good “trade-offs,” this perception is inaccurate for most people with bipolar disorder. Manic episodes are characterized by intense feelings of restlessness, anxiety and poor judgment that can lead to excessive spending, alcohol or drug use, unsafe sex and other problems. While some people have mild manic periods (hypomania)—in which they experience feelings of elation, lots of physical energy and a positive outlook—without proper treatment, hypomania can become severe mania in some people, or can switch to depression.


7MABP4 4. Bipolar Disorder Is More Common in Women Than Men

Truth: Bipolar disorder is diagnosed about equally in men and women; however, one form of bipolar disorder—rapid-cycling—is diagnosed more frequently in women than in men. Rapid-cycling is characterized by four or more episodes of illness occurring within one year, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Certain bipolar triggers, including hormonal fluctuations and thyroid problems, also are more common in women than in men.


7MABP5 5. Once You Start Feeling Better, You Can Stop Taking Medication

Truth: A common mistake people with bipolar disorder make is to cease taking medication when they begin to feel better. Not only can this put them back where they started—having episodes of mania and/or depression—but stopping medications suddenly can cause extreme mood swings and behavior. Stopping a medication should be done only under your doctor’s careful monitoring, and even then the best approach usually is to taper off gradually.


7MABP6 6. Bipolar Disorder Is Curable

Truth: Bipolar disorder is a manageable disease, and while it’s possible to lead a full, happy, productive life, there is no cure for it. It is a lifelong illness. The good news? NIMH recently determined that treatments for depressive illness are much more successful (70 to 80 percent) than treatments for other chronic illnesses, such as heart disease (45 to 50 percent successful).


7MABP7 7. People with Bipolar Disorder Aren’t Really Sick

Truth: A recent survey from the American Psychiatric Association found that one-third of Americans believe that “emotional or personal weakness is a major cause of mental illness.” The fact is that mental illnesses, including bipolar disorder, are due to such factors as genetics, environment, traumatic events and even some physical illnesses and injuries that have psychiatric side effects.

Doctors are discovering that the brains of people with bipolar disorder have real physical differences from those without it. For example, imaging studies done at the NIMH have shown that the area of the brain that regulates emotions is smaller in people with bipolar than in people without the illness.

Original slideshow at iVillage Your Total Health

The Banned Enrique Iglesias Music Video


Enrique Iglesias Sad Eyes Music Video

My 3:30 AM Awakening Redo



here i am up at 3:30 AM chilling. i knew i would be here. i have not been to bed yet.

today was Bipolar’s turn to take over my life. i went through what is called rapid cycling. that is when my mood goes from an extreme high to an extreme low without warning, constantly. for the most part, i have spent the entire day online doing what i love. that is helping others with technical issues concerning computers. this lasted the entire day. this is why i am just realizing what time it is. my lows came when i had to deal with anything concerning myself and my computer issues. i made an issue for myself by not doing my research before i made a decision today. i decided to take the Outlook 2007 program off of my computers because i was planning on upgrading my computers to Windows 7 today and just using the email program that came with it. well, after i already removed the program and called Microsoft for my refund, i found out that Windows 7 does not come with a dedicated desktop email program. i also found out that i am not able to do a download of the Windows 7 Family Pack download. that is the download that was offered by Microsoft where you could use 1 disc to download Windows 7 onto 3 computers using the 1 license. it is no longer offered on their site. i now have to go to Best Buy, WalMart, Staples, etc. to get the actual physical disc. by buying the physical disc, even if i do not like the Windows 7 program, i am stuck with it because you cannot return software once you opened it. if i did a download from the Microsoft Store and i changed my mind, i could have still gotten my money back. what a pain in the ass! oh well! i should have done my research and i wouldn’t  have to go out a buy the physical disc. i may still just bootleg it from a torrent site on my next Bipolar day. LOL

whenever i have a Bipolar day, i do not eat at all. the act of eating involuntarily slips my mind. i have not put anything in my system. that’s including water. i know this is not good for my health but my mind was working on overdrive dealing with helping people with their issues. i even went and answered questions at Microsoft Answers forum, TechRepublic.com, Dell.com Communities, Help.com and Yahoo Answers-Laptops & Notebooks. i am glad that i have these outlets whenever i have a Bipolar day. many people with Bipolar go on spending sprees, find random people to have sex with, go out speeding, go out shoplifting, pick fights with close friends and family, go out and get drunk,use drugs, put themselves in compromising situations, well you get the point. that is just a small list. some people with Bipolar become very depressed and suicidal. they also have extreme feelings of guilt and worthlessness. this is why it is always good to listen when a friend, with this disorder, is reaching out to you. you do not know if this is the last time that you will hear from them.

while i still have energy left in my body, i am in a highly manic state currently, i will finish up some paperwork for my trip to the unemployment office later on today. i cannot wait for that one. it should be fun. :-) i will actually get the tasks done that i should have finished 24 hours ago.

well, i wish one and all a happy Wednesday. enjoy it with all of your being.


How To Comment On Facebook And Keep Your Job


FB Status Update

Your friend has updated their status on Facebook, and you’ve read their sad plea for attention. Now comes the hard part. Do you take the bait, and acknowledge that you care enough about what they are doing to comment on it, or do you get back to researching your ex-girlfriend’s new fiancé? Before this would take seconds, possibly even minutes of quiet contemplation. Now all it takes is the time to read this handy flowchart.

Original article at geek.comedy.com

My 3:30 AM Awakening



each and every morning, i am awake at 3:30 AM. this is no matter what day of the week it is. this is no matter what season it is. i am awake at 3:30 AM, 7 days of the week.

it is quite perplexing to me that i do not know the cause. there has to be some reason. i have sat up waiting on 3:30 AM to arrive. i wanted to see if i had a low ringing or low frequency alarm in my apartment that i had forgotten about. this is not the case. it is deafeningly quiet in my apartment at this time of the morning. there is not a single noise with the exception of the low hum of the refrigerator when it is cycling. i actually enjoy that sound. it is soothing because it is rhythmic and constant.

being awake at 3:30 AM is one of the biggest factors in controlling my health and well-being. normally, i wake up at 3:27 AM through 3:30 AM, on the nose, say to myself before looking at a clock, “it is 3:30 AM.” sure enough, i am always right. the reason i say it is a factor in controlling my health is due to forcing myself to go back to sleep each night. when i do this, it messes up my internal clock and i do not want to move when the sun rises. it starts my sleep cycle over as if i had not gone to sleep. when i finally do feel motivated to get out of bed, it is normally 10:30 AM. if you know the ADHD mind, you know that i am obsessing that i have slept the majority of my day away. now i will spend the next couple of hours trying to decide how i will spend my time being productive, which is a sham within itself. now it is around Noon and nothing has been accomplished. i have only thought about what i am going to do while accomplishing nothing.

this morning i am going to try to break this cycle. it is 3:30 AM and i am not forcing myself to go back to bed. i am taking this time to run some errands and give Jackson a bath. i am sure he will love that. (just kidding!) i also have to update some job search related paperwork. this seems like a perfect time to do that also. wish me luck on this. i will give an update later today on my success or failure concerning this issue. until later.


Can you fill this out without lying?



(another random survey from my Facebook profile)

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
my finger.

2. Where was your profile picture taken?
it was taken a couple of months ago after coming home drunk.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
i don't want no parts of guitar anything.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today?
Dwayne-1 of my online contacts from a social network.

5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
3:30 am - watching anime.

6. If you could move somewhere else, where would it be??
it would be anywhere but Florida. they are off the chain there!

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Michael. my best friend.

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
yep, until they start giving out your name and number as a credit reference.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
i love it. i wish i had some right now.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
when they took Buffy the Vampire Slayer off TV.

12. Who took your profile picture?
me and my web cam.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
people at a party this past Summer.

14. Was today better than yesterday?
yes, because i am fully functioning today and not laying around watching anime.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
i do not watch TV. i have turned my new flat screen into a large monitor.

16. Are you upset about anything?
no. i am too lazy and tired to be upset about stuff.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
yep. for other people who believe in that type of thing in their heart of hearts.

18. Are you a bad influence?
of course i am!

19. Night out or night in?
i am definitely a "night in" person. it is a lot cheaper.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
my ADHD medication and Outlook 2007.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
i have never visited anyone in a hospital.

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
a joke about a kid who saw 2 dogs humping.

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
i love my life and the freedoms that i enjoy.

24. Do you hate anyone?
i don't drink Haterade, so the answer is NO.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find?
touching messages from close friends.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
yep, unless i was being tested for a bunch of Dr. prescribed medications.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
yep. sometimes during sex.

28. What song is stuck in your head?
Love Sex Magic...Ciara feat. Justin Timberlake.

29 . Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m.; whom do you want it to be?
it better be no one. 1 way to get cussed out is to show up to my house unannounced.

30. Wanna have grandkids by the time you're 50?
i am sure it will happen way before 50.

31. Name something you are doing tomorrow?
going to the motorcycle shop for pointers on winterizing my motorcycle.

32. Do you think too much or too little?
way too much.

33. Do you smile a lot?
i smile every freaking chance that i can get. if i was an animal, i would be a laughing hyena.

I touch the sky because of you.



i touch the sky because of you.
though the sun melts my face
i touch the sky because of you.
you change my view of things.

these are just the thoughts of my inner being today.

Martha Wash - Carry On


How dare you piss me off on such a beautiful morning!



first and foremost, Good morning to you that is reading this. i appreciate you taking the time out of your busy day to visit me.

there are not many things that i get outright indignant about, so when it happens, you better watch out!

well. 8 am EST, i received a call from the financers of my auto loan. i should have known the call would have not gone well just by the way the rep was butchering my name. i eventually told her to call me Monte. after that correction, the call was still going along pleasantly enough until she asked me, “When are you going to make your November payment?” i said, “EXCUSE ME!” (this is the part of the program when black folks get carried away by the spirit when they KNOW they are current with a payment and know that the current communication is unnecessary. let’s resume shall we?) i then asked, “Are you sure you’re looking at my account correctly?” i told her that i have had this loan for 3 years and have never ever been 20 minutes late in making my payments. as a matter of fact, i pay extra each month to the point where i am a payment ahead. this is where she started with the nasty attitude. she states, “ZEAR-RIS(total f’ing up of the name after i told her to call me Monte) i do show you making a payment on October 30th but that pays for your October payment. You currently owe for your November 5th payment. We need your payment ASAP!” THANK GOD! my ADHD and bipolar medications were just starting to kick in. otherwise, i probably would have had SWAT outside my house from the terroristic verbal abuse i was going to unleash on this female. anyway, i asked her if her system shows all of my previous payments and transactions. this is where i could have pushed my BLANK STARE avatar through the phone and down her throat. she proceeds to tell me, “Our systems are down and we do not have access to your account information”. o_0 my statement was then, “This is what I suggest you do SWEETIE! Hang up right now and call me back when you DO have access to my account information and please do not call back before then”.  i politely let my finger touch the End Call button.

there is one thing about me, that people who personally know me understand. i am never, never, ever late or miss my payments. i pay every last one of my bills together on the same day EVERY month, no matter when they are due. why? it is hard for people with ADHD and/or Bipolar to pay bills. both of those disorders are hectic on your psyche when it comes to paying bills and taking care of financial responsibilities. you have the money, but you could care less about actually sitting down and paying bills. that is why they end being paid late even though the money was in the bank weeks earlier.

during the typing of this post, the representative called back with a polite perkiness in her voice and states, “ I am glad that I am able to personally talk to you Monte!(hmmm) Our systems are back up and I see what happened. Your entire online payment was applied to the Principle and not to the Payment. I will make sure that I put a request in to have that corrected! I hope this is not too much of an inconvenience to you.” i politely thanked her for the call back and her assistance. i left it at that because i felt some ig’nant ass comments in the back of my throat about her calling me in the first place when she did not have all of the information to properly do her job. oh well! i am not going to let some company’s customer service incompetence ruin my day.


ADHD and Time Management: Talk Yourself to Better Productivity



Ditching personal put-downs in favor of positive conversations with themselves will help attention deficit adults build confidence -- and accomplish more tasks.

ADDitudeMag.com by Peggy Ramundo , Kate Kelly



ADHD coaches and therapists tell ADDers to practice “self-talk.” There is great value in talking to ourselves, assuming that we speak as we would want others to speak to us. Unfortunately, that’s not what typically happens. In revisiting the various events of our lives, it is the 20 percent we did wrong -- not the 80 percent we did right -- that we remember and castigate ourselves about.

No Use Being Negative

The negative words we reserve only for ourselves are counterproductive. Did you know that the unconscious mind does not compute negation in language? That’s right -- the deepest recesses of the mind don’t process the word “no.” Therefore, when we say, “I will not fritter my time away on the computer today,” the words are read as, “I will fritter my time away on the computer.”

And we wonder how we manage to find ourselves, once more, firmly stuck in those black holes. We talk ourselves into them! No amount of “but I said...” changes the fact that we have commanded ourselves to do the very things we want to avoid. And we beat ourselves up over our transgression.

The Multiply Blog - We're Moving!


Although Multiply serves people from around the world, due to the way the internet works, all of our computers are physically located in a datacenter in New Jersey, USA, and have been for the last six years.  We're excited to announce that we're going to be bringing our operation down to Miami, closer to where our technical team is.  This should make things easier for us to manage, and also allow us to respond more quickly whenever there is a problem that requires our attention.  Importantly, this will also provide us more space to grow as more and more people continue to use Multiply; something that we're very grateful of.

Click here for rest of the article.....

To the folks who are Pro Black this and Pro Black that, CUT THAT SHIT OUT!



as i read a couple of blog posts today, i started becoming irritated with the foolishness of some posters. they are misguided on their subject matter of choice.

there were a few posts saying that we are still being held back in race relations in the United States. it is true, there are still bigots and racist out there that are non Black. there is also a rise in Black racist and bigots. there really is no room for finger pointing.

there were posts stating that we need to get back to being Black. EXCUSE ME! what the fuck is being Black? there is no such thing as being Black. just because i have the same skin tone as you does not mean that i think the same as you. the African American culture, over the years, has morphed into something that is all inclusive when it comes to a culture. if i had to guess, being Black means more of expressing your individuality in the skin that you are in, regardless of your ancestry. the past is the past. the past is not going to help you or hinder you from getting a job, home, loan, etc. if your game is tight. no one can hold you back if you are true to yourself and your are not looking for handouts or waiting on someone else to step in and help you with your burden. DO IT ALL YOUR OWN DAMN SELF! (i love saying that even though i am collecting unemployment. that is not a Black or non Black thing. it is a no job to be had thing.)

i also ran across posts that put COONERY on a pedestal. for every post out there stating that Blacks should be proud of their heritage and where they came from, there are at least 3 where there is black woman singing about taking a dump on the toilet, brothas calling the police because someone stole their weed, with follow up comments from friends saying they would have done the same thing because you need to feel safe when you are sitting around alone smoking weed or brothas selling weed to off duty police officers through fast food drive through windows.

there are more serious issues such as the Black on Black violence that is becoming prevalent, there are the duplicitous Blacks. we know them. they are the ones that are rah! rah! Black Pride! but behind closed doors they are telling their White friends how much they do not like other Blacks.

i could go all day with this post but i am not. my main point, before people start complaining about what non Blacks are doing to Blacks, clean up the shit that Blacks are doing to Blacks first.


Quick Notes 07 Nov 09



today is going to be a good day. i feel good. i am refreshed and i am going to take this momentum and turn it into something positive.

my day is starting off great because i was able to speak to a friend that i have not physically spoken to since 1995.

i was doing my daily rounds of replying to blogs and such, when i made a comment on a friend’s Facebook page. sometimes the things we write in reply can come across as blunt or harsh when they are not meant to be. i knew after leaving the comment,  i had a good reading coming. i was off to the next comment and my phone rang. normally, i do not answer my phone on Saturday mornings but i saw the Atlanta area code and wondered who it could be. my friend immediately goes into diplomatically “letting me have it” for my comment. i started smiling because after 14 years of not hearing his voice, it sounded just as lively as it had the last time that i heard it. he stopped what he was saying and asked, “Do you know who this is?!” i laughed and told him that i could never forget his voice.

it is great to still have that feeling of “family” after more than a decade of no contact. that is what i love about my friends. we can go a long span of time and pick up like there was no gap in time.

on that note, i will put these positive vibes to work for me. i hope to talk to you soon.




i happened to be reading the comments on a Multiply Contact's blog and ran across this useful bit of information. i am glad that i did. this is something that i completely forgot about.

with the sudden deletions of many Multiply accounts, people have been asking, "How do I get all of my contacts back?"

Here is the solution. ( i will list the pain in the ass way 1st then the simple no brainer way.)

Step 1- go to http://multiply.com/network while you are logged in.
Step 2-in the box marked My Contacts, select Export as CSV File.
Step 3-a pop up box asking you to save the file contacts.csv in Microsoft Office Excel format will come up
Step 4-select Save to save the file contacts.csv to a location that will make it easy for you to remember its location in the future.
Step 5-open the contacts.csv file. it will open on a Microsoft Office Excel worksheet.

or use this simple link: http://multiply.com/network/contacts.csv , it takes care of Steps 1 though 4.

now you have a list of ALL of your contacts which includes the 1st name, last name and email address that they have listed on their account. you will have to use their email addresses to do a Search Users search. it actually worked and was pretty easy.

i hope this reminder is useful. this info is great in case your account is deleted for some reason.

5 Foolproof Ways to Stop Procrastinating with Adult ADD




Simple strategies to help ADHD adults start — and finish — projects at home and the job.

If you have adult ADHD, you’ve probably noticed that you procrastinate more than others. Such behavior can cause problems in personal relationships and those at the workplace. When we fail to complete tasks on time, others see it as a sign of disrespect, incompetence, or laziness.

Because procrastination is essentially a mind-set, cognitive-behavior techniques can help even chronic procrastinators break the habit. If you’ve been putting something off for days (or months), try the following ADHD time-management tips...

Tip #1: Do Something Fun First

Do Something Fun or Pleasant First

Adult ADHD and Self Esteem - Fall08

1. Do Something Fun First

Many people with ADHD find it helpful to do something they love first as a way to get in the mood to do less enjoyable tasks.

Any stimulating activity you enjoy will do the trick. Some ADDers play basketball or computer games. Others dance or take a bubble bath. Set a timer for 20 minutes to make sure you don’t get so absorbed in the fun activity that you forget to do the necessary one.

Tip #2: Create the Right Environment

Create the Right Work Environment


2. Create the Right Work Environment

People who have ADHD often are most productive in unconventional surroundings. Instead of wearing earplugs to ensure silence, you may find that you get more done when listening to loud music.

If you work best under pressure, but still turn in projects late or exhaust yourself by pulling all-nighters, set your own deadline for completing portions of the project. This way, you can still work under pressure to finish each portion “on time.”

Do it: If you're taking ADHD medication, it’s generally best to schedule difficult tasks for times when your symptoms are fully covered.

Tip #3: Don't Beat Yourself Up

Don't Beat Yourself Up


3. Don't Beat Yourself Up

What we silently say to ourselves about doing the task at hand has a strong impact on how (or whether) we do it. Avoid negative self-talk, and send yourself positive, realistic messages.

Instead of saying, “This will take forever, and it’s so late already…” substitute “I might not be able to finish this today, but I can do the first two steps within the next 30 minutes.”

The messages you send yourself when you complete a task can be powerful deterrents to future procrastination. They can also diminish the guilt that procrastinators often feel about having missed appointments in the past or having turned in work that doesn’t measure up to their ability.

Tip #4: Just Do It

Just Do It


4. Just Do It

Just starting a task — even if it’s begun poorly — makes it easier to follow through. Next time you find yourself avoiding something, take a “first sloppy step.”

If you need to write something, for example, start by typing random letters on the page. It is gibberish, but at least you will no longer be looking at a blank page.

Tip #5: Take One Step at a Time

Take One Step at a Time


5. Take One Step at a Time

Break large tasks into pieces. The smaller steps aren’t as intimidating and facilitate getting started. If a project can’t be completed piecemeal over several days, keep up your momentum by focusing only on the next doable step. Write this step on a sticky note and post it within your line of sight.

Put on your blinders and focus on this one step rather than on the task as a whole. When that’s done, move on to the next step in the same manner. Before you know it, you’ll be done.

Try it: If you need external pressure to stick to a task, enlist a body double — someone who will sit with you quietly while you’re working on a boring chore.

More Time-Management Help for ADD Adults

Never Run Late Again!

Time Management Tips for Adults with ADD

10 Tips for Better Productivity: ADHD Career Advice

Copyright © 1998 - 2007 New Hope Media LLC. All rights reserved. Your use of this site is governed by our
Terms of Service (http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/terms.html) and
Privacy Policy (http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/privacy.html).
ADDitude does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The material on this web site is provided for educational purposes only.
See additional information at http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/disclaimer.html
New Hope Media, 39 W. 37th Street, 15th Floor, New York, NY 10018

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7 Lies About ADHD



Mistaken beliefs about attention deficit disorder - and the truth behind the myths.

by Deborah Carpenter

Few psychological conditions have generated more discussion in recent years than attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD). Yet, people continue to harbor many mistaken beliefs about ADHD.

Read on to learn the truth.

Myth #1: ADHD isn't a real medical disorder


Myth #1: ADHD isn't a real medical disorder

Truth: ADHD has been recognized as a legitimate diagnosis by major medical, psychological, and educational organizations, including the National Institutes of Health and the U.S. Department of Education. The American Psychiatric Society recognizes ADHD as a medical disorder in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders--the official mental health "bible" used by psychologists and psychiatrists.

ADHD is biologically based. Research shows that it's a result of an imbalance of chemical messengers, or neurotransmitters, within the brain. Its primary symptoms are inattention, impulsiveness, and, sometimes, hyperactivity.

People with ADHD typically have a great deal of difficulty with aspects of daily life, including time management and organizational skills.

Myth #2: Children who are given special ADHD accommodations are getting an unfair advantage


Myth #2: Children who are given special ADHD accommodations are getting an unfair advantage

Truth: The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act requires that public schools address the special needs of all children with disabilities, including ADHD. Special accommodations, such as extra time on tests, simply level the playing field so that kids with ADHD can learn as successfully as their non-ADHD classmates.

Myth #3: Children with ADHD eventually outgrow their condition


Myth #3: Children with ADHD eventually outgrow their condition

Truth: More than 70 percent of the individuals who have ADHD in childhood continue to have it in adolescence. Up to 50 percent will continue to have it in adulthood.

Although it's been estimated that 6 percent of the adult population has ADHD, the majority of those adults remain undiagnosed, and only one in four of them seek treatment. Yet, without help, adults with ADHD are highly vulnerable to depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. They often experience career difficulties, legal and financial problems, and troubled personal relationships.

Myth #4: ADHD affects only boys


Myth #4: ADHD affects only boys

Truth: Girls are as likely as boys to have ADD, and the latest research suggests that ADD causes them even greater emotional turmoil. Yet ADD is still thought of as something that affects only men and boys.

Teachers are often the first to identify children with ADD. Yet because many teachers think of ADD as a male disorder, they tend to be better at suspecting the disorder in boys than in girls. This is true whether girls exhibit the hyperactive (can't sit still), the inattentive (daydreaming in a corner), or the combined version of the disorder. Consequently, ADD women are more likely than men to go undiagnosed (or misdiagnosed), and less likely to receive appropriate treatment.

Myth #5: ADHD is the result of bad parenting


Myth #5: ADHD is the result of bad parenting

Truth: When a child with ADHD blurts things out or gets out of his seat in class, it's not because he hasn't been taught that these behaviors are wrong. It's because he cannot control his impulses. The problem is rooted in brain chemistry, not discipline. In fact, overly strict parenting--which may involve punishing a child for things he can't control--can actually make ADHD symptoms worse. Professional interventions, such as drug therapy, psychotherapy, and behavior modification therapy, are usually required.

Myth #6: Children who take ADHD medication are more likely to abuse drugs when they become teenagers


Myth #6: Children who take ADHD medication are more likely to abuse drugs when they become teenagers

Truth: Actually, it's just the opposite. Having untreated ADHD increases the risk that an individual will abuse drugs or alcohol. Appropriate treatment reduces this risk. ADHD medications have been proven safe and effective over more than 50 years of use. These drugs don't cure ADHD, but they are effective at easing symptoms of the disorder. The drugs do not turn kids into addicts.

Myth #7: People who have ADHD are stupid or lazy - they never amount to anything


Myth #7: People who have ADHD are stupid or lazy - they never amount to anything

Truth: People with ADHD are of above-average intelligence, recent studies show. They certainly aren't lazy. In fact, many well-known, high-achieving individuals from the past are thought to have had ADHD, including Mozart, Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, George Bernard Shaw, and Salvador Dali. The list of high-achieving ADDers in business today includes top executives, such as David Neeleman, founder of JetBlue Airways, and Paul Orfalea, founder of Kinko's. Not to mention star athletes Michael Phelps and Michael Jordan.

No doubt about it, ADD makes it hard to navigate the "normal world." But with appropriate support, ADD individuals can lead happy, healthy lives.

And maybe, just maybe, extraordinary lives.

Copyright © 1998 - 2007 New Hope Media LLC. All rights reserved. Your use of this site is governed by our
Terms of Service (http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/terms.html) and
Privacy Policy (http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/privacy.html).
ADDitude does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The material on this web site is provided for educational purposes only.
See additional information at http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/disclaimer.html
New Hope Media, 39 W. 37th Street, 15th Floor, New York, NY 10018

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ADHD beat my brain senseless today!



we all start our days with the best intentions. we plan to have many things checked off as completed on our day’s     TO DO LIST.

for this man, this day, in terms of accomplishment was a waste from the word GO!

i had so many things planned to do today. first, i was going to finish putting Outlook 2007 on my home network, so i can access it from each of my computers simultaneously. second, i planned to completely clean my apartment. after being sick for the entire past week, you know this place is looking like an abandoned bomb shelter. i planned to take Jackson to the dog park, so he can get his run-on and so he will stop sitting here throwing toys at me. i hate to inform little buddy that he is shit-outta-luck on me playing fetch, tug-o-war or even getting a side-eye stare out of me. i pulled the laundry halfway together and honestly forget i was supposed to be doing it after 5 minutes in to it.

now the examples of how ADHD beat my brain senseless:

task 1: put on music to listen to while doing chores

ADHD reality: ran across Tom Joyner Morning Show and Russ Parr Show streaming live online. both of these shows run from 6am to 10am EST and i sat on my couch the ENTIRE time going from website to website listening to all of the funny mess. they had me laughing to the point of tears in my eyes.

task 2: call Microsoft to follow up on a refund initiated October 21st and then go into updating Outlook 2007 on my network.

ADHD reality: now that i have LMAO for the past 4 hours, i felt this was a perfect time to call Microsoft about my customer service issue. people who know me, know i am somewhat of a DOUCHE when i am in a good mood and i have an issue with a company (ask my previous managers. seriously LMAO @ the daggers that were thrown at me during strategy meetings with upper management). when i am in a good mood, this is where the mental manipulations and intellectual acrobatics kick in. i am the nicest of persons the entire time and i am not rude or condescending, but when i have been wronged, i am going to make you feel like you work for the most incompetent company in existence and that you made a poor career choice. i made the call drag on for 20 minutes longer than needed. this was after the repeated apologies and a supervisor promise of the refund being completed within 24 hours.

now that i had that bit of fun finished with, it was supposedly time to start messing with my home network and the synching of Outlook 2007. the thought of doing that, immediately rushed out of my head faster than a sneeze. i started thinking about what other programs i can also synch. i started thinking, “why not my Microsoft Money program? why not my Windows Live Writer program? why not my TweetDeck program? or my favorite why not the HP Wireless Print Server?” this prompted me to hit my favorite sites CNET, About.com:PC Support and Tweakguides.com. these sites help me to get the maximum benefits out of procrastinating. i go to those sites, JUST IN CASE, i may need to download patches or other software that will help me with completed my task. BBBBBBBBBBBBB! SSSSSSSSSSSSSS! i go to these sites to be driven into an information technology stupor.

task 3: turn off all computers before i become mesmerized by the prettiness of the shiny screens with the many colors.

ADHD reality: i am in the exact same spot i was in after my Microsoft call at 10 am today. it is now 8 minutes until a new day and i have nothing to show for the old one. all i can do at this point is ignore my natural instincts, put on blinders and turn my brain down mentally. if i do not do those things, i will be sitting here 24 hours from now still trying to complete this 1 post.


i am mad at myself for not doing it sooner….



my cheap ass finally broke down and spent the $109 for Outlook 2007. this is a must have program if you suffer from chronic ADHD as i do. it lets you put all of your organized resources in 1 place, such as ALL of your email accounts, TO DO LIST, calendar. meeting requests and phone call follow ups can be attached to individual or group contacts in your contact manager. i actually scheduled a TO DO to contact Microsoft on a software return issue. at 6 am this morning, a message popped up with the correct Microsoft phone number, reference numbers and notes from previous calls. in the past, i would have to look around for random sticky notes with important information on them. this was much more streamlined.

until yesterday, i used multiple programs with no way of seamlessly integrating them.:

AOL Calendar=Calendar

Windows Live Mail=Email and Contact Manager (since Windows Mail is useless)

Google Reader=RSS Feed Reader

Google Notebook=Notes and TO DO LIST

i was also being redundant with the use of my iGoogle home page for these same functions.

what helped me with my decision is opening each of my email inbox and realizing that i had over 4000 new email since the third week of October, i missed out on some very important email. i also missed some important TO DO ITEMS and going into my AOL Calendar which is accessible through AOL Mail, mail some of my important AOL Mail did not show up in the Windows Live Mail client.  believe me when i say i was more than a little irritated and frustrated with myself.

with Outlook 2007, i subscribe to my AOL Calendar and MSN Calendar. they both are always updated in real time in Outlook 2007, if i make any updates to them online. there is also a built-in RSS reader. i get real time updates of any of my Twitter, Facebook or MySpace comments from my contacts. also with the RSS reader, i have all of my favorite blogs come to Outlook 2007 the moment they are updated. everything is neatly broken down when it arrives in. dealing with my job hunt is also easier. at first, every time i would contact a company i would have a separate Excel spreadsheet with all of the information from the contact. now i can automatically save the contact information and there is even a task made for when a follow up is needed. anytime i make notes in Excel 2007, One Note 2007 or Word 2007 pertaining to my job search, it makes a Journal Entry with one click access for future use. NICE! how’s that for being organized!

with the economy we are in, this is a luxury purchase for some. for people such as myself, we cannot survive without it. it is very easy for me to become distracted when i have 4 or 5 separate applications that i use that do not readily share data. i am extremely happy that i did this. i am just sad that i could not get my priorities straight until now. with Outlook 2007, that should no longer be a problem. (Click picture for Outlook 2007 Info.)



Previous Notes

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